


In Your Eyes

by The Tinglenator (Misha_McCarthy)



Series: Supernatural One-Shots [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Brother Feels, Brotherly Angst, Character Study, Drabble, Emotional Hurt, Emotionally Hurt Sam Winchester, Episode Related, Flash Fic, Gen, One Shot, POV Male Character, POV Sam Winchester, POV Third Person Limited, Sam Winchester's Demonic Powers, Scared Sam Winchester, Short One Shot, Winchester Family Angst (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:28:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26036410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misha_McCarthy/pseuds/The%20Tinglenator
Summary: Sam hadn't planned on Dean returning from Hell, especially not so soon. He starts to worry that if Dean finds out about the things he's done, he'll finally heed their father's original advice- save Sam, or kill him. But Sam's not going to back off from his demon-fueled road, and he's certainly not going to find himself weaker than Dean. He'll survive, no matter the cost. One-shot.
Series: Supernatural One-Shots [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1877215
Kudos: 11





	In Your Eyes

Sam smiled as Dean gave the iPod jack his best death glare. It was such a small thing to be pissed over- especially since there was a lot he still had to tell him about during the four months he'd missed. But it was also a Dean thing to be pissed over. The younger Winchester felt himself letting out a laugh that released all the worry he'd penned up, and it felt so weird. Ruby made him feel good, but it wasn't this kind of good. He liked these feelings better.

Ruby.

Dean.

Man, that was a disastrous combination. How could he tell Dean about… how could he begin…?

The fading smile finally fled as Dean took a left. The way Dean had looked at him at the motel- he'd seemed so, so glad. Like Sam had somehow become his saviour for a moment while they embraced. It had made him forget the old glances he used to receive, ones that had grown so common they’d become normalcy. Ones that branded him as a freak. Except now, while once again riding shotgun in the Impala, his mind’s eye fed him images of his Dean's eyes glistening with anger, fear, and pity only because he'd managed to go  _ so much  _ farther than premonitions and opening the Gates of Hell. Dean's eyes would, of course, reflect more. But it had always been hard to read him, and impossible when he had a mind about hiding things.

What if Dean took it worse than he used to? How much had Dean truly changed? He seemed fine now, happier than Sam had seen him in numerous months. And, as is usual with Winchesters, it probably meant he was doing poorer than Sam could imagine. He would definitely hate demons even more than in previous times, which brought Sam back to the main issue.

Well, it wouldn't be much of an issue if Dean was reasonable about it. Ruby had been helping him when there was no one else. Now he could send these black-eyed bitches back to Hell without hurting the innocent people they'd possessed. He had power over them. The days when he needed to trap them, maneuver around to bait them, and take forever in chanting an exorcism had passed like a new moon. Their previous work didn't hold a candle to all of the good he and Ruby had accomplished. He didn't need Dean's instructions or limits anymore. Dean didn't need to worry for him, about him, anymore.

Sam looked slightly down into Dean's eyes from where they both stood and felt his fists clench. So what if he didn't agree? Sam knew it was just Dean playing the big brother, trying to protect him from something he could handle. That- that big brother move- it had never gone well. But it wouldn't come to that. Dean didn't have to learn about these things, not yet. He'd be told at the right time, and then things could be normal. Really normal. When they caught a case online and dealt with it in full.  _ No more demons _ . No more lies or secrets.

Sam looked slightly down into Dean's eyes from where they both sat and felt his stomach clench. They were tinted with worry but filled with love, and Sam knew that's why he wouldn't agree with the method. If he told his older brother, Dean might never look at him the same way again. He was all too familiar with how to keep Dean away, with how to sneak out and rig new credit cards so he couldn't be tracked. But he wasn't sure of how to keep him by his side, and now that's all he wanted.

**OOOOO**

Sam stared so hard at the laptop that he couldn't see anything, save for the way Dean had glared at him and Ruby in the same light. Ruby, a ‘creature’ Dean hated worse than roaches, and him… he didn’t know what he was to his brother anymore. It seemed like Dean regarded them in the same way now. He could imagine anger in Dean, but to see his real reaction in the presence of the girl who’d saved him… it'd been practically comedic. He kept telling himself that he was saving people- and there had been straight proof in front of them- but the hidden hurt in Dean's gaze had been a slap in the face. Why was his brother so opposed to this? What the hell was the problem? And why, out of all times and locations, had Dean bust in when he did?

The familiar purr of the Impala approached in time with its headlights. It stalled in the parking lot for less than a second, and Sam saw his hands shaking while footsteps neared the door. Dean didn't have the keys to the motel; it was another weird one where they only have a single key per room. If Sam had kept it locked, he was sure Dean would leave again, despite the fact that in other, normal situations he would have pounded on the door. So he’d been careful to keep all of the locks open. He didn't want Dean to leave again. He needed to at least apologize, attempt to explain what had-

Light flooded in as his older brother opened the door, as calm as if he'd just been on a simple beer run. He didn't bring his head up, missing the fact that Sam had automatically stood on wobbling legs. Sam felt a tired surgence of anger run through him. Dean was pissed because he'd been hiding some things from him, but the only reason he'd done it in the first place was because he knew Dean would flip out about it. And now, he was wordlessly packing a couple bags.

"What, are you… are you leaving?"

That wasn't something Dean would do. He wouldn't just… go. Sometimes he would leave, get drunk, blow off steam. Sometimes he would leave in a good mood with some girl hot on his heels. But never did he  _ go _ . "You don't need me," he declared to a sac. "You and Ruby go hunt demons."

Sam planted himself at the door. "Woah, wait. Dean. Hold on, please."

Dean looked at him from the corners of his eyes. It was an odd gesture that captured Sam's attention long enough for the punch to come unexpectedly.

_ Gordon Walker. Spilling the truth. Anger, desperation. _ They never punched each other. The last time Dean had really hit him was a memory he didn't let resurface often. But it was the same song, wasn't it? He spoke the truth, but Dean didn't want to hear it, so he'd lash out in the only way possible. It was brought on by his fears, his weaknesses. "You satisfied?" he asked, almost egging his brother on.

He took a second punch. He took it, and didn’t retaliate. Because he wasn't scared like his brother was. Sam didn't take any amount of time to wonder what Dean was scared of, but instead relished in the thought that he, at least, had control over his emotions. He was doing the right thing and Dean couldn't refute that- his brother was just being stubborn.

"Do you know how far off the reservation you've gone?" Dean asked. "How far from normal? From human?"

"I'm just exorcising demons."

"With your mind!" he shouted. If all of their neighbours in the motel weren't stoned or hungover out of their minds right now, they might be getting in trouble. After a breather, he tried again with the whole ‘tell big bro what's wrong’ attitude. "What else can you do?"

He didn't  _ give in _ . He just... "I can send them back to Hell. It only works with demons, and that's it." There was a series of collar-grabbing and pained shouts and desperate questions with desperate answers. Warnings and rebukes and lamps hitting the floor.

"If I didn't know you, I would wanna hunt you."

"If it's so terrific, why'd you lie about it to me?"

"Why did an angel tell me to stop you?"

The last one didn't matter. Not anymore, not after looking back on it. Angels are assholes. If they hated him for it, maybe it was better that he continued. He might be the only one who could stop all of this, stop all of  _ them _ . The angels played the game as if powerless. Dean, though he didn't care to know why, seemed scared. And weak. Too pathetic and wrapped up in his past to save people, do what needed doing. If Dean wouldn't do it, Sam would.

x

Dean  _ was _ scared. He was losing his brother with every word, every step, and no demon deal would bring Sam back this time.

**OOOOO**

He felt different. Well, he didn't  _ feel _ different, but he knew he was at least a little altered from before Ruby had offered her blood. It was odd knowing that he used to care about a host of trivial things, and now he couldn't give a single damn. He was so far above all the little worries and stomach butterflies now- or at least, when she let him have it. The highs were becoming shorter-lived. Sam knew he was going back too often, and that at some point Dean would find out about it, about everything, and he'd probably rip the Impala's tires to shreds driving off somewhere. But it didn't really matter anymore. Dean always comes back, because that's what Dean does. Even when he can't dominate Sam like he used to, he just comes running back. It won't change anything. He needs it. Ruby doesn't mind. It's not a  _ problem _ .

A little knot in his stomach became more prominent. It was one of his last surviving worries, and he didn't know why it was still there. Even if Dean disagreed to the point of killing Ruby, or…. Well, the idea wasn't that far-fetched. Dean had seen him and Ruby as corrupted for weeks now. But Sam was strong, and he knew he'd always been smarter than Dean. His telekinesis might not work on humans, but it didn't matter, because if Dean wanted to kill him he would be able to do it first. He had the power to do it, and if Ruby allotted him enough juice, he knew it wouldn't matter what kind of state Dean ended up in. Dean would not kill him.

"He said I'd have to kill you, Sammy."

Sammy. His brother used the nickname like it would soften the blow. He couldn't quite remember at this point if it had or not. Sometimes, he wondered why he was still hunting with Dean, or having anything to do with him at all. Why he didn't disappear for good this time so he could kill Lilith quicker. Thoughts and suggestions would pop in every once in a while, like when he saw that distrust in the elder Winchester's eyes. Despite everything, there was still a little trust in there. He could feed into that trust for at least a little while longer, and he knew that they’d almost found Lilith. Maybe after that, he could…

No. Dean had his angels to keep him company. He doesn't need Sam, and Sam doesn't need him.

_ Then why do you fight to keep him here? _

He didn't want to admit it, but hey- he wasn’t about to lie to himself like Dean does. Sam could live with the truth that being hopped up on demon blood while you're in close quarters with your older brother who has an angelic boyfriend was worrisome. Cas might not trust him, but if Dean did, then who could hurt him? Only Dean. But he was stronger than Dean. So he was okay.

The knot had grown bigger.

**OOOOO**

"Listen to me, you blood-sucking freak. Dad always said I'd either have to save you or kill you. Well, I'm giving you fair warning. I'm done trying to save you. You're a monster, Sam- a vampire. You're not you anymore. And there's no going back."

So Dean really had stuck to being Daddy's little soldier. If it made Dean feel good to make this kind of call and leave this sort of message, maybe Dean wasn't going to seek him out right this minute. He had time to kill Lilith, smash the phone, and get the hell away from here with Ruby.

He never saw her wicked smile as he gave the okay to drain another demon. "Do it."

* * *

Sam couldn't feel the cold tile stairs pressing into his back. He couldn't hear the blood slowly draining into a satanic circle. He didn't even notice his heart beating like a rabbit's or the way Ruby caressed his cheek and ran her fingers through his hair like she used to. Sam wasn't sure what he felt or saw or heard, and if he could have known anything in that moment he would have known he wasn't noticing anything at all.

" _ You turned yourself into a freak, a monster." _ He'd done it for Dean. Because Dean wasn't there. Because Dean didn't want to fight Lilith like this but she needed to pay for sending him to hell nonetheless. He did it for the good of the innocent, and now hunters hated him. He had done it for Dean, and now his brother hated him. Here he was, holding this centuries-old sack of shit demon against her own damn alter with his mind, and she was goading him. She dared to call him that, when he knew she was basically describing him as her own kind by that point. No. No, she didn't get to call him that.

But he was. He had summoned Lucifer from his Cage, which was an easy sentence for the end of the world. He went against Dean and now, instead of killing demons and saving people, he'd ended up releasing the worst demon of all.

Lilith was right. Dean was right. He had turned into a freak and a monster. His own brother had come to kill him before Sam could accomplish the one thing he'd wanted to. Dean might have been a bit slow on the last part, but when Sam saw Ruby look away and noticed the glint of her knife in Dean’s hand, he knew it hadn't been brought for Ruby, not specifically.

But he had to make sure Ruby died. He wasn't sure where demons went and he hoped it was ten times worse than Hell. She had seemed like the one decent creature in a swarm of black smoke, but she was far worse.

As she stood up to face Dean and tell him the same tale she'd murmured to Sam with such joy, he saw his chance. No stabbing necessary; Dean was already on that. All he had to do was assist his brother in a hunt one last time by pinning what he thought was his saviour, and the person who had apparently dug him out of a dark place. Sam didn't hold her because he wanted Dean's trust. If there was one definite spot he could place all of his blame in this instance, it was on Ruby. She didn't even struggle much. She was satisfied with the idea that she had turned out to be the greatest demon of them all.

As her body fell, and subsequently the only barrier between the two brothers fell, Sam felt his heart slide into his throat. There were so many things to say, and he wondered if he'd be able to say anything beyond, "I'm sorry." But it didn't matter because he really was sorry, and if that's all he managed to say it would be for the best. There wasn't anything in the world he wanted Dean to know more as his older brother gripped the blade tighter and asked, with that stern and silent expression, if he was really looking at Sam.

A white light split the overbearing silence, and it continued to glow brighter. A hand was grasping his sweaty shirt as Sam's eyes darted back to the one person who'd been at his side at every turn, directly or indirectly. He was sure Ruby's blood would mix with his own on that knife, but the pain never came. Dean wasn't hurting him. He wasn't punching, nor yelling.

He was apologizing too. That old nickname formed on his lips as if he'd been dying to use it at least one more time. "Sammy, let's go," he begged.


End file.
